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The last time I thought about Pennsylvania in an adult industry context, the idea being batted around the state’s legislature was a proposal to levy a 10% tax on revenue generated by adult websites operating in the state.
This time around, Pennsylvania is considering something more in line with recent regulatory efforts by its fellow states: Requiring sites to verify the age of users, if those sites offer “a substantial portion of material that is harmful to minors.”
The bill, SB 603, defines “substantial portion” as “more than 33.3% of total material on the publicly accessible Internet website.” As such, I suppose the good news is if you run an adult site that currently offers 66.6% non-adult content, you could conceivably skirt the requirement by adding to your website a few thousand pictures of cats, or something.
Most likely, this bill is a legislative case of “follow the leader.” Dozens of states around the country have established age verification requirements for adult websites and the Supreme Court has given its constitutional stamp of approvalto such laws, so Pennsylvania certainly isn’t breaking any new ground here.
Still, part of me wonders if there isn’t another, less obvious inspiration for the new law. Perhaps, weary of constantly being confused with a product designed to lubricate the engines of motor vehicles, Pennsylvania is simply shooting for a new nickname.
Let’s face it, “The Keystone State” just never caught on. Poll a thousand Americans outside of Pennsylvania and I bet 667 of them wouldn’t even know that’s one of the state’s nicknames. And as for the “Quaker State,” well, today’s smaller, higher-revving engines… wait, sorry; that was Castrol, wasn’t it?
Anyway, regardless of which motor oil is best for small, high-revving engines, there’s no doubt the “Quaker State” branding is now more closely associated with motor oil than it is the state’s namesake – which isn’t BJ Penn, despite what my brain just thought would be funny to assert.
I know what you’re thinking: Why would the legislature pass a law mandating age verification to inspire a change in nicknames when they could just issue a resolution adopting a new nickname? Put bluntly, nicknaming yourself is just lame. Try that shit in your average fraternal organization and instead of being called “Razor” as you’d asked, your bros are liable to opt for something a bit less prosaic, like “Gilette” or “Sandy Crotch” or “Pathetic Douche Nozzle.”
And of course, the last thing Pennsylvania should do is open their state nickname rebranding campaign to suggestions from general internet users. That’s nothing but a recipe for ending up being called “Statey McStateface.”
Proceeding on the assumption this bill is being considered at least in part as a reputation and nickname reset, here are some things for the Pennsylvania legislature to consider:
- “The Age-Gate State” has a nice rhyme scheme and cadence to it, I think.
- “The Share Your Personally Identifying Information with Mysterious Third-Parties State” has the benefit of being highly accurate, but it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, does it?
- “The Abscam State” would encourage a generation of young Pennsylvanians to learn a bit of political history about the state, but might face blowback from other states that are proud of their role in that story (especially New Jersey).
- I think we can rule out “The Kids for Cash State,” in part because the optics of that phrase just aren’t great.
I don’t think I’m alone here in thinking the first possibility on the list above is the one likely to get the most traction. That said, they’re all more interesting than “The Keystone State” and significantly less oily than “The Quaker State.”
Of course, none of this will matter if the state doesn’t pass SB 603. At that point, the legislature may well have no choice but to go down the route of re-nicknaming itself by legislative decree – unless, of course, they like the sound of Statey McStateface.
